How I wish

I hate my life.. just for the record...

all in all, everything is ok for me.. it is just that i couldn't find things that would make me happy. looking at other people, how i often wish i had their happy life.. staring at facebook last night, looking at some of them women's status.. going off to vaca wif hubby.. there and there, and there.. and back again... going shopping wif BFF's.. having lunch at The Curve.. i wish my life is that simple. i wish i had a solid, rich life. but... i have been busting my butt... to get the life that i achieved now. too much sadness, to much broken hearts.. to much off everything. but a little and only a glitch of happiness..

i have been in and out of relationships. but it always will only last up to 2 years... MAX. then it is either i got bored, or the guy does. i kept on blaming myself. i kept saying, u have to do this.. in order for it to be like that.. i gave myself orders, in order to please people. HELL... such nuisance of me..

i had a gap of time when i was alone, single and happy.. i dont have to bother about other people, or afraid that i would hurt peoples feeling. i dont have to care. i had fun being single.. i like being single.. no attachments..  i cud just go around with other guys, without having the concern about someone getting mad or as the malay term... "TERKANTOI". for single people out there... treasure it... :P

now, being in a relationship back again, i get this awkward, stupid feeling. i hate this feeling. i dont want to love anyone anymore.. coz i dont even have the time to love myself. i dont want to go on an emotional roller coaster again. i hate that.. i hate the feeling of being left.. of being hurt.. i just hate it.. when this occurs, i feell my world collapsing, i feel that everyone hates me.. one high pitch tone from anyone or someone, i felt like killing myself.. but.. i still have my faith.

How i wish, that i don't have to be in that gloomy place again. but, alas, we are human.. i do stupid things.. and i end up being stupid myself. i want to leave and get out of this situation.. but i just can't. let them give the words. let them cut the rope.. how i wish... i could just be free and single again..